I think you have really hit on something by accusing your opponent of a “War on Women”! Americans are a patriotic lot, and this evokes visions of December 7th, 1941, the “Day That Will Live in Infamy”, on which the Japanese Navy attacked Pearl Harbor by denying the women of Honolulu free contraception. Then, of course, who could forget that stirring photo of our brave men raising the American flag on Iwo Jima after our soldiers defeated the Imperial Japanese Army who had, to a man, vowed “free condoms or death!”?
A Column by John Sullivan
Dear Barack, Barack, Barack, what in the world is wrong with you? Here I’ve been doing my best to help your reelection efforts and you repay me with ridiculous metaphors! Don’t you know that Mitt Romney is going to jump on this and ride it all the way to November? He is going to talk about your “War on Coal”, your “War on Energy”, your “War on Drilling”, your “War on Pipelines”, your “War on Small Business”, your “War on Affordable Healthcare”, your “War on America”, and your “War on Common Sense”!
Now, I know that you have a campaign strategy of “Divide and Conquer”, but don’t you think this is going too far? After all, women want jobs, affordable healthcare, good education for their children, fiscal responsibility, and prosperity just like men do. They are particularly concerned with the $5 trillion in debt that you have added in the past four years and how this is going to diminish the lives of their children and grandchildren, and what of the additional $4 trillion that you have projected for the next four years? Who is going to pay that back?
Barack, I fear that, whatever the polls say three months before the election, when “women with children” go into that voting booth, they are going to vote for a future for their kids over another four years of economic decline – ditto for “women with grandchildren”, “women with nieces and nephews”, “women who want children”, and even women who used to be children. Bless their hearts, this will even be true for mothers who want their children out of the house with jobs and the ability to “pay for their own damn school loans”. Did you know that half of the college graduates in the past five years cannot find a full-time job? Do you know how quickly “real wages” are plummeting?
Women see their kids in schools that turn in lower and lower test scores every year while we pay teachers more and more with higher and higher pensions. Barack, women see that their children are being “dumbed down” and then will be sent out to life with the responsibility for paying for their own victimization by the public school system. Dear Barack, you simply must come up with something better than “more money for teachers” when everyone knows that what you are really saying is, “more campaign money for me”.
I have a secret for you! Women are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves! Heaven help the person who actually makes war on women! All they need is a job! We have more unemployed women than in any time in our history. Barack, how can I make this clear to you? Women don’t want handouts – they want a job! They want a job! They want a job!
Barack, I’m sorry to be so hard on you, but it’s getting really difficult to keep you on track. When you imply that women need handouts, you insult them. What part of mooching, imposing upon others, neediness, and dependency don’t you understand? If you don’t watch out, women are going to start talking about that other Honolulu “Day That Will Live in Infamy” – August 4th, 1961!
Sincerely, A Constituent
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